2 Months!

We are officially through our 2nd month. It's a good, accomplished feeling, even if it is only month 2; another month done is another month closer to homecoming. It got me thinking about where I fit in at my current state in the emotional stages of deployment from the chart I got at the L.I.N.K.S class. I think I'm somewhere between the "Emotional Disorganization" and "Recovery and Stabilization." I still have one foot in the disorganization stage because I still have trouble sleeping, still feeling a little overwhelmed, restless and indecisive. I also will admit that I still have a tendency to burst into tears unexpectedly.  I have my good days and my bad days.  However, I'm can tell I'm becoming more comfortable with my new routine and becoming more confident in new responsibilities.  I might call my stage “Improvement with sporadic emotional relapses.”  Looking over the stages, I think I’ve experienced them pretty accurately up until now.  I'm not sure if I'll ever be completely out of the disorganization stage, perhaps I will when I start looking forward to homecoming.  I can’t wait for that stage! Do you find you experience the stages? Do you have your own stage?

Always the New Girl

Since we've been at this duty station, my husband has been passed back and forth between units a total of 3 times. Besides it being frustrating for him at work, in social terms, it's like we've PCSed every year.  In other words, I did not have the chance to make any lasting relationships/friendships in our command before we were passed off to the next and I had to start all over again.  The fact that we do not live on base, do not have kids and I've never have been the most outgoing type doesn't help much. 

With this deployment, for the first time I am part of an active spouse network in our current unit, despite being the new girl in a group that seems they've been together more consistently.  Now that we are not moving, when my husband returns we will most likely be transferred to another unit.  It is frustrating and exhausting.  It is difficult to break through and be accepted as a member of the group, no matter how welcoming the people are.  Needless to say, it has been difficult and sometimes I feel it’s easier to not even try no matter how much I want to be involved.  Regardless, I still try and probably will continue, because I want to have a good experience.  It’s nice to have friends that understand what you're going through and be part of a community, reminiscent of shows like Army wives (I confess I’ve never really watched, maybe I'll start).  Maybe the whole living off base is a factor?  I'm sure the question of living on/off base could be debated in length, maybe that can be saved for another time.

Since this is our first duty station, I don't have a reference point to compare.  I’m hoping our next duty station will prove a little more stable, as stable as you can expect in military life. I know our life requires we move around, but it would be nice to be stationary for the short time we are in a given place.

Drum roll please...

and we're not moving. How anticlimactic!


All this wondering and stressing for nothing; we're staying where we are until next year.  It's very bittersweet; at first a little more bitter than sweet. We were definitely ready to move on and hoping to be a little closer to home; so it's a bit of a letdown.  However, the good news is I won't have the stress of PCS on my own and can just focus on a homecoming! We also might have a better chance to do a cross-country trip when we do move.

As a side note, has anyone ever driven as an option when moving? What was your experience? I'm wondering how that would work out for us. We would be driving literally cross-country.

Anyway, of course I made a list of some other benefits to staying around an extra year and it made me feel better. It’s certainly better than being sent somewhere we really didn’t want. We will have a chance to vacation more in the area and I can finish out my certification program I’m working on, among other things.
All things happen for a reason- a good motto for us in this aspect of military life.

Anxiously awaiting...

..our PCS orders!

We were originally scheduled to move in June of this year, but then came this deployment. Now we are moving as soon as my husband gets home. Although we are moving off cycle, my husband’s orders were supposed to be decided in February.

February came & went.
Then March 1st became the new cutoff date...nothing.
Now we hear all orders would be completed April 1st, so....?

I know I should be accustomed to this uncertainty by now. It's just that I will be responsible for the arrangements with my husband gone and would like to prepare myself (this is my 1st PCS & I'm a little nervous). Not to mention I just really want to know where we are going, because at this point it could be anywhere. Hopefully we'll have something by the end of this week.
I'm not holding my breath.

Home is Where the Heart Is

I just booked my ticket home for my brother's graduation.  Honestly, how do these airline people sleep at night? And how can they now justify charging for bags?
I thought about trying to plan a Space "A" flight (wait- that might be an oxymoron: plan; space A).  However, from my last experience, I was too afraid I wouldn't make it to the east coast in time or end up stranded who knows where.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't have a problem with the actual flight and it was a great learning experience, but it ended us up at McChord AFB when we were shooting for Andrews.  It makes for a good story but I just don't have the patience for that right now.  So I had to give in...
Maybe someday I'll be Space A expert. That would be nice.

Anyway, I wrestled with the idea of going home to my hometown for awhile during this deployment because it seems like, at my particular duty station, a lot of the spouses do.  But after thinking about it, I decided it wouldn't be a good idea for me.  I felt I would be even further away; even more disconnected from my husband if I left.  Honestly, even the thought of leaving at first made me really nervous.  Technically the distance wouldn't make a difference, but I wouldn't be in the home we share, I would be away from the base and everything that makes me feel connected to him now.  I know the saying is "home is where the heart is," but what my heart really needs is to feel close to him in any way it can, even if it just means going about my regular life in our house.

So I'll just be going home for a visit, which I am looking forward to!  It will be great to see family & friends back home and I think the trip will break the time up a little. 

I had a bad day

For some reason I was under the impression I would have a ton of time on my hands during this deployment... it turns out I was wrong. (At least so far) Everyone told me it's so important to keep busy and the time will fly. I really want the time to fly, believe me, but now I'm so busy that I'm actually getting stressed out. I hate that. Now I'm feeling the stress of the deployment, of missing my husband added to this stress of everything I'm supposed to be doing.

I guess I hadn't taken into account how I would be doing everything I normally do, plus the things my husband usually did, while taking on expectations of others that just assume I must have all the time in the world now.
The only reason I am getting this post in tonight is I can't sleep. Of course I know the lack of sleep doesn't help either. But I think that’s a whole separate post.

In reality I know my magnified emotions are the major factor causing my high stress level. Normal tasks seem just a little bit harder since I feel on edge and emotional exhausted.
I really miss him right now. I’m a little worried, since it’s only been about a month.

Today was just not my day. Hopefully tomorrow is better. I think I just need to take some time for myself.

Is it just me?

Am I the only person who can't seem to hear colors on base while driving?  I don't know how everyone else seems to have no problem hearing the bugle with their windows rolled up and radio on. 
Or maybe they just pay attention to the time, which would be the smart thing to do.  But there I go driving by wondering why everyone is stopped when it suddenly dawns on me "%&#@!" I hate being that wife.

Awww

A gorgeous arrangement of flowers was delivered to me yesterday from my husband!  I guess he thought ahead :)
It's incredible how the rough & tough, meat-eating, grunting Marines can be the sweetest husbands.  It makes me miss him even more.  I think I'll start putting together my first care package.